THE WAITING.

I’ve been writing and re-writing this for a couple days, and today I deleted everything and started anew. Call it what you want, but I feel like the Holy Spirit put fresh (and fewer) words into me and wanted me to share this.

The Saturday before Easter always gets me. The waiting after Jesus died until his resurrection had to have been excruciating. His mother, His siblings, His friends… all waiting, grieving, hoping.

I know so many people (myself included) who have been or are RIGHT NOW sitting in a season of “Saturday.” Sitting in the waiting. The grieving. The pain. The hopelessness.

But friends, even though the waiting and grieving are excruciating, PLEASE HOLD ON TO THE HOPE. Hold on to the faith, because faith is just that: believing in what you cannot see. Not easy, I know. Worth it? Yes.

SUNDAY IS COMING.

Sunday might look different for us all. Your Sunday might be next week, next month, next year… but don’t give up, YOUR Sunday is coming.

The Saturdays are hard. I stand with you all and I’m praying for you all. I’ve been there.

DO NOT LOSE HOPE, YOU ARE SO VERY LOVED.

** Back to lighter, funnier topics next post, but I really felt like some people needed to hear this **

I’M GETTING IMMERSION BAPTIZED, AND HERE IS WHY

Years ago I sat in the pew at church sobbing.  I was crying because since I had never been baptized, I wasn’t allowed to take communion. What was salt in the wound was the fact that I had loved Jesus since middle school, and a person very close to me who had no relationship with Jesus went up to take communion because they had been sprinkled as a baby.  Ouch.

Something else that made me sad about this situation was the thought that what if someone had an experience taking communion and that was the very act that would lead them to dedicate their life to the Lord?  It all felt very “Old Testament-y” where you have to do things in order to be loved by God, and that can  scare people away from the faith.

So in 2013 when I was six months pregnant, I got sprinkle baptized.  While it was nice, it felt very mechanical and more like checking a box in order to gain membership into a club.

YOU GUYS, CHRISTIANITY ISN’T A “CLUB” ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE CAN JOIN.

Since 2013, I have had A LOT OF HARD LIFE happen.  Looking back, I can see how God got me through it all with His amazing GRACE. I have come out on the other side with a stronger faith and a stronger peace.

Don’t get me wrong, I asked God a lot of hard questions and wrestled with my faith during hard times.  That is okay to do, you can love the Lord and wrestle with Him at the same time (Look at the story of Jacob in Genesis 32:22-32).  I think He actually likes when we ask hard questions because you know what?  THE GOSPEL WILL ALWAYS HOLD UP.

All of this has led up to why I am getting TOTAL IMMERSION BAPTIZED tomorrow.

This is not a requirement of the church I am now attending. Nope. This is something I am  choosing to do as a fresh awakening of my faith.  A public display of how a good, good Father has loved this messy girl through hard times and brought me through to who I am and who I am becoming.  A death of my old life and a resurrection of the NEW.  Even more symbolic since we are getting close to Easter.

This doesn’t mean I won’t fall upon hard times in the future.  But it does mean that I am never alone and with Jesus by my side I will get through them.  Just as I have in the past.

*** If you have questions about Jesus or are looking for a church, please reach out to me, I’d love to chat!

*** The church I got baptized in back in 2013 has now changed up their communion protocol and that makes me happy.

Dear Lord,

Some thoughts.

I saw this photo earlier this week, and it really resonated with me.

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You don’t need big, beautiful, “churchy,” poetic words to talk to God. Nope. You don’t even need words at all. HE KNOWS. You don’t have to explain anything, just go and rest in Him.

This week has been a tough one for a lot of people, for a lot of reasons.  Losing someone unexpectedly is SO VERY HARD. While I had not known this person long, it was a wake-up call as to how things can change in an instant.  How life is so fragile.

It made my heart ache so deeply for those I know and saw and talked to who were close to this person.

It reminded me of the sermon that was preached last Sunday at Life Vineyard Church and words that I have heard from a few mentors.  You have to let yourself feel all of your feelings to be able to move through and heal.

But I will admit, I didn’t take that advice.

While I felt and grieved for everyone, I didn’t really let myself. I tried to numb my thoughts and feelings by eating and drinking junk so I could sleep and not think and feel my feelings.

Not my proudest moment, but I wasn’t sure if I could be a good support if I was grieving too.    *insert eyeroll*

So yesterday I went to God. I went to God and cried for everyone touched by this loss and  for myself.  I didn’t have words. HE KNEW.

Being in HIS presence is peace-giving, life-giving and healing.  While the sadness isn’t all gone, I have a lighter heart than I did before I went to HIM.

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One last thought.  Yes, Heaven is rejoicing by this good and faithful servant returning home.  BUT, I believe that Jesus is weeping with everyone touched by this loss.  It breaks His heart to see us heartbroken. Instead of the awful “everything happens for a reason” statement, I find more comfort in knowing that Jesus is weeping right along side of us.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay not to have any words.  HE KNOWS.

One Year Into Our Autism Journey

One year ago today, Gemma was officially diagnosed with Autism. In some ways it seems like there is no way a whole year has passed, and in other ways I feel like a lifetime has passed. Some of that is just life with kids (the days are long but the years fly by, amiright?), but a lot of it has been the continual, nonstop learning about autism.

Gemma’s diagnosis came only a few short weeks after my divorce was final. Yeah, that was fun. It was like life was handing me the ‘ol one-two-punch.

But, you know what? After the dust settled and we got into the groove of our new normal, I really started to find my passion through advocating for Gemma. You see it IS true, things are scary when you aren’t educated on the subject. So as I started researching, talking to her doctors, meeting fellow “AU-some” friends and getting Gemma enrolled into an incredible school, I replaced my attitude of fear with a warrior attitude.

When I first publicly talked about Gemma and autism, I was SCARED. TO. DEATH. to his “publish.” But looking back it was one of the best decisions I have made. There is so much freedom when you are vulnerable and when you are your authentic self. It gets easier the more you do it (my experience), and it also can make you feel lighter even going through heavy circumstances.

So many people reached out to me with similar stories, there is so much power in the two words “me too.” Not just the movement our country is embracing, but in anything… Divorce, autism, grief, parenthood struggles, the list goes on and on.  When you start talking about these things you quickly find out that you aren’t alone.

While I am not an expert on anything, if sharing my stories can help one person feel seen and less alone, it is so worth it.

While this last year has had huge leaps and bounds for Gemma, I have found that I have gained just as much (maybe more) from everything. Life is actually really sweet.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me, I appreciate all of you!

TUESDAY THINGS: 7 Fun Things About My Birthday Month (yes, it’s a month long event)

It’s heeeeere! My birthday month… and this one is a doozy…

On May 29th I’ll be re-celebrating my 39th birthday. Kidding, I’m actually 100% A-OK about turning the big four-oh-em-gee.

Fun things about birthdays:

1. Cake.

2. Parties.

– actually this is probably more like it:

Zzzzzzzzzzzz… #kids

3. Presents.

4. All. The. Pizza.

5. Wine.

– It’s fine. 40 is fine. I’m FINE. –

6. Friends.

7. More cake.

Here goes nuthin!

Thursday Things: Thinking About Resolutions

I’m a New Year’s junkie, and I am sharing one of my resolutions!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! I’ve missed this space!!!!!

I had to take an unexpected hiatus due to L I F E.

^^^ Me handling life the last month ^^^

But now that life is settling a bit, I have started looking forward to 2018.  New Year’s is quite possibly my favorite holiday.  New beginnings, fresh starts, new goals, clean slate.  There is such promise, and I get so energized by it.

Also ^^this gif ^^ makes me so happy because I am over the moon about her engagement to Prince Harry!

I digress.

So in thinking about the new year, I am going to let you in on one of my resolutions. Why?  Because I am hoping some of you will join me!

I am letting myself fully enjoy the holidays… So. Many. Desserts.

But January 1st I am starting Whole30, and this time I am determined to CONQUER!

I know you all are sitting there like:

But I am serious:

This gives us (yes, US) a month to prepare.  It’s 30 days, WE CAN DO IT!

Also the Whole30 creator is coming out with a new book this coming Tuesday, it is a daily companion for the 30 days… Perfect timing!

Click here to see the book.

So, who’s with me?  Who wants to jumpstart your health in 2018?  It’ll be like a hard-reset for our bodies, and I am reeeeeeallllly looking forward to it!

Thursday Things: A Silent Retreat.

SHHHHHHH!

So this weekend I am going on a silent retreat.

I am excited.

And I am nervous.

We are talking (I mean NOT talking) Friday evening until Sunday afternoon with ZERO WORDS. I haven’t heard (or not heard) silence in:

4 years, 2 months and 3 days (when Ashton was born).

I am excited to heal, hear from God and rest, but I am nervous I will accidentally say something or laugh out loud.

I can’t wait to spend the weekend journaling and praying.  Lots of emotions going into the weekend, and I will probably have lots of words to share afterwards.

Whatever this weekend brings, I’m sure it will be fabulous!

Choosing “And”

A recurring theme of “AND” has been popping up in things I am reading, listening to and seeing online. We (me) too easily box ourselves, ideas, beliefs, God etc. in instead of being bold & free by accepting that things can and do coexist. This quote from Glennon Doyle really struck me yesterday:

“In life, the brutal won’t break us because the beautiful will sustain us.”

Life can be brutal & beautiful.

We can be brave & scared.

We can laugh & cry in the same hour.

We can have joy & have our heart can break for people/situations at the same time.

We can be messy & have moxie at the same time. (Jen)

We can be great moms & great at something unrelated to motherhood.

We can care about the suffering in our country & the suffering across the globe.

You better believe Jesus lived a life of “AND.” Can you imagine all the emotions he felt (at the same time) walking himself to his crucifixion? Jesus loved God AND wept. He also changed so many lives because he did life with so many different types of people. I want to live a big, bold, moxie-filled, Jesus-life of “and.” Who’s with me?

OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY!!!

Some exciting NEW things!

Oh I am SOOOOOO EXCITED to tell you guys about some fun things happening!!!!

 

But, you’ll have to wait another day or two before I can spill the beans…

 

I know, I know, that is soooo annoying, right?!?!  This is probably you right now:

I promise it will be worth it.

Aaaaaaand I might have a little sumthin sumthin just for YOU!

Stay tuned!

4 Years Ago: Scary Autoimmune Times

Why this time of year is filled with mixed emotions.

Fact about me: I do not like hot weather. There, I said it.

So when September rolls around I have always been happy that Fall/Winter and cooler temps are on the way!

But four years ago, my Septembers changed forever.

I know, the suspense is killing you, right?

Well, I am going to get a wee bit serious with you in this post.

Four years ago on September 11th (ugh, could that date get anymore sad? As Chandler Bing would say it) I went to the ER in the middle of the night (for the 2nd time in a week). You see, after my firstborn arrived my immune system went bonkers and started attacking my body, mainly my colon.

Here are some autoimmune cliff-notes:

There are TONS of autoimmune diseases, and they all look SO DIFFERENT.  But, what happens is that person’s autoimmune system (what fights off sickness and disease) is dysfunctional.  Instead of fighting off the things it is supposed to fight off, it looks at other “normal” things in their bodies as an enemy/enemies.  So in my case, when out of control, my autoimmune system thinks my colon and the food I put in my body are things that need to be attacked and rid of.  Fun, right? No.

When a person is pregnant, their body’s immune system is automatically suppressed so it doesn’t look at the baby as a foreign enemy that needs eliminated.  Pretty cool, huh?  But, after the person has the baby, the immune system returns to normal and then some.  This is when the problem happens for people with autoimmune diseases.

My autoimmune disease (Ulcerative Colitis) was diagnosed when I was 21.  I suffered a few flare ups, but could always get them under control with steroids (prednisone) and a couple other medications.

SAILED through my pregnancy with Ashton.  I didn’t take any medications other than prenatal stuff and felt great the entire time.  Now I know that was because my immune system was naturally suppressed due to the pregnancy.  So, within weeks of having Ashton things went south quickly.  Being a first-time mom, I assumed some of my issues were just regular old post-baby symptoms, especially since the birth was traumatic and I had a 4th degree tear.  Ouch times ten.

Those symptoms escalated quickly and soon became out of control.  I was well below my post-pregnancy weight, and couldn’t even eat a small dish of mashed potatoes without sever pain and it shooting straight through my body.  I was severely dehydrated, but I couldn’t drink anything without pain or needing to run to the bathroom.

All of this was while I had a 6-week old.  I would get up to feed him during the night and couldn’t make it 10 minutes without needing to put him in a bouncy chair crying as I ran to the bathroom.  I still have flashbacks and guilt over that.  It was awful.

My mom started staying at our place when she saw me deteriorating, and she demanded we go to the ER.  More than once.  Finally, September 11th, 2013 I was in such bad shape they kept me at Riverside and admitted me.  For 9 LONG DAYS.

I had to be in the hospital, away from my newborn for 9 days.  I still shudder thinking about it.

I was so blessed to get a private room.  I don’t think I could’ve dealt with a roommate in the hospital, especially considering I didn’t want anyone I knew to come visit me.  I was embarrassed, tired, ashamed, etc.  All of the stupid emotions/feelings the enemy feeds us.

I was pumped full of liquids, steroids, nutrition (I wasn’t allowed to eat food for a few days).  Nothing seemed to help.  I was up a few times every hour around the clock.  I was losing weight by the day, and my body was shutting down.

I didn’t know until my Gastro doctor told me after-the-fact, he and his colleagues were very worried.  How’s that for a wake up call?

Finally after about 5 days in the hospital without any improvement, we decided to try a new medication, Remicade.  It is given through an I.V. infusion and required extensive tests to be qualified to receive it.  So I had to get tested for 1.2 million things, some of them taking 2 days to get the results.  Finally day 7, I was able to get an infusion.

This medication doesn’t work for everyone, so there was a chance I would have to find something else.  I didn’t notice a change the first day.  I was concerned.  But (yay for buts), by day 2 after the medication (day 8 of my hospital stay), I was able to sleep through the night (other than the middle of the night vital stats taken by the overnight nurses).  The next day I was able to eat and I was feeling SO MUCH BETTER!!!!  Thank you, JESUS!

By day 9 I was able to go home late afternoon.  I was weak, I was frail, but I was able to get home and see my baby.  After a couple nights at home, I was able to feed Ashton (formula, obviously) in the middle of the night without any problem.  I remember that was such a huge step and gets me choked up just typing it out.

So, if you have read this far, thank you.  Thank you for reading to understand a little more about something you might not have been aware of.

While I still luvvvvv the fall and September, now you understand why I can sometimes  have a bit of sadness/grief this time of year.  But even though all of that horrible stuff happened, I am thankful that it has helped me appreciate my health and grow my faith.

Thank you for reading.  xoxo